Hello, old blog. It’s been awhile. A lot has happened and as I lie here in my Seroquel-stupor, waiting for it to bring me to sleep (hopefully sans the nightmares I had last night)… I want to catch up. In no particular order.
I completed Cognitive Processing Therapy. Holy crap, that was a bitch. I did it. I expected to feel… something? when I was done – pride, accomplishment, relief. I didn’t feel anything, and I still don’t. It’s kind of just surreal. It’s been about a month and I am still waiting.
I moved. I live with the partner now, and his daughter. While I hadn’t slept at the old place in weeks, I did finally finish moving everything out of there on June 30th. That night, I got drunk / got in an argument / wandered away / tried to kill myself / got picked up by police and sent to the ER where they tied my wrists to the goddamn bed and made me stop pulling off the heart monitors and stop trying to pull out the IV so I could run away.
Yeah, that happened.
Other tidbits: my son left for his dad’s in another state (about a 2.5 hour flight) for 7 weeks. Getting him on the plane was a nightmarish two day ordeal. Ugh.
I went to, finally, a competent psychiatrist. After dealing with incompetence and someone who didn’t give a fuck, seeing someone who goes above and beyond to actually fucking LISTEN is kind of the most amazing thing ever. I started Seroquel last Friday, and it’s wrecking me. The first day I literally couldn’t stand up for more than 10 minutes after well after 6pm, and I didn’t feel not-sick until about 24 hours after I had taken it. Then it was time to take it again.
I cut my starting dose in half, and hopefully tomorrow I will hear back from the new awesome psychiatrist with a new plan.
After all that progress and struggle, I am moving on from my therapist. Since I moved about 45 minutes north (in good traffic), it makes sense to be done. The task of finding a new one is daunting (especially since our new health insurance doesn’t have the best in-network mental health providers so I have to really look around)… it’s also kind of nice, like a new beginning. I am much different than I was when I started taking therapy seriously about 1.5 years ago.
Different, except, you know… still intermittently suicidal. So apparently that’s a problem, right? It’s been a tough few weeks. I felt so trapped. I moved out of my house and combined my family with another, and my partner picked that very night to be very insensitive and act like a dick in a way that he doesn’t usually. All of a sudden I felt trapped and like I didn’t have a safe home.
Even before that, that entire day I was having fantasies about hanging myself while I moved out of the old place. I was hopeful that those fantasies would stay there with that house, but they haven’t. I see that happening everywhere – in my closet, on the staircase, in the bathroom, at the nearby park. I want it to stop and I don’t (usually, necessarily) want to die.
When talking about this, my partner (in my perspective, I think he has a different one) basically said that I can’t be a good parent who loves our kids as much as I say I do and as much as I act like I do if I am actively suicidal. When we first talked about it, he callously stated the only reason that he wanted me to stay alive was so that a parent doesn’t disappear from the 2.5 year old’s life and scar her emotionally.
Um, okay. Yeah. No one wants that. If it were so easy for me get rid of suicidal thoughts by “oh yeah, the kids need me!” …trust me, I would have done that years ago. In fact, I tried that. My son is almost ten. I have been doing my best here.
It’s been pretty rough. There is no magic here. It’s fucking hard work, and we are tired. He’s had a groin injury that has affected our sex life, as has mental health issues I think, in addition to being sick (kiddos spread those diseases)… we’re not even having as much sex as we did when we were just together on weekends, and now we’re sleeping next to each other every night.
I see this happening, and I want to do something about it, and I am also fucking tired and sad and scared and I don’t have that kind of energy in me right now.
I’m also taking 12 credits in an intensive 6 week quarter (typical quarter is 10 weeks) and it’s all online + 33 hours of (unpaid) practicum. I also really want to take on some babysitting/nannying jobs for some money. I’m sure I can fit that in somewhere?
Where do I go from here? I’m flipping my brain out with a new medication. There’s a good chance I’ll have to try another one. I have like 3 left to try before we have to really think out of the box, because I am allergic to so many things and so much doesn’t work for me. I have an interest in electromagnetic therapy. This persistent, chronic and deep depression has never lifted and it’s been at least sixteen years, if not longer. I need something to work and I need it to work pretty fast.